my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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