New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
