really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Randomize
