Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
