we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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