My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
