If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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