You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
