what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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