I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
