I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
