I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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