Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
