if you like me you must not know who I am
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
