I could have mohawked her pubes.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
