If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
