Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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