Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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