I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
