No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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