in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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