I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Girls should come with a carfax report
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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