i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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