Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i just had sex bonerless
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Randomize
