I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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