So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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