FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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