my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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