Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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