I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
