dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
