Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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