I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
He called his prostate his "boner button".
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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