Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
