This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
