I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
