I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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