I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
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