I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
