There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
So here I am, sexting at work.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
