If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
