i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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