did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
