Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
