2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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