FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
