one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
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