my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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