For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
