My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
