she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize