I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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