sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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