You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
