I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
