He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Randomize
