dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Found the puke drawer
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
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