So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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