My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
